Q: What do you say to in-laws, who are alcoholics in denial and refusing any help, please?

A.

One of the hardest things about alcoholism, especially when it comes to someone you love or care about, is the powerlessness one feels when seeing others suffer from their disease. It can be gutting, frustrating and outright painful to watch someone you care about or look up to hurt themselves and others—whether it be through their actions or compounded by denial—especially when we all know the fallout of one’s addiction can have wide and lasting implications.

Assuming you haven’t yet broached the subject with them, I would suggest you start by educating yourself on alcoholism and alcoholics if you have not done so already. There are groups such as Al-Anon, which were specifically designed to help loved ones of an alcoholic navigate their trying relationships, all while protecting themselves.

It’s okay to be angry and feel pain, but I suggest you make it a point to constrain yourself. Speaking from experience, I know that I often pushed my loved ones away because they were the biggest threat to my addiction, and though it wasn’t personal, I’m sure it often felt like that to them. 

Want more concrete advice?

Do: Speak from the heart and listen well.

Don’t: give ultimatums, lash out in anger, or give up hope.

There are things you can say, but there are also things you can do, such as maintaining strong boundaries like removing yourself from the situation to avoid becoming an unwitting participant to their disease. For example, my brother Jonathan, who died a few years ago from complications due to his drinking, absolutely refused to let me broach the topic of his drinking. He often responded with anger or by shutting down if I addressed it, and since he wouldn’t listen or communicate with me, I did the next best thing and let my actions speak for me. If I came to his house to visit or hangout, and he was either drinking or drunk, I’d tell him I loved him then hop back in my truck and return the way I came. 

I’ll end with this: whatever you say or do, know that in the end, you are powerless when it comes to controlling others.  We are all masters of our own destiny, and we cannot force others to change even if we think it’s in their own best interest. Addiction and substance use disorder can be extremely difficult to watch as it plays out, but always remember that there is hope and we do recover.